


To Renew

by sherlockssexysocks



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky struggles, Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt, Kissing, Love, M/M, Mentions of CATFA, Mentions of religion, Nat and Bucky BFF-ness, Post-TWS, Sex, Some angst, Steve struggles, Supportive Sam, sexuality struggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 21:48:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3544973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockssexysocks/pseuds/sherlockssexysocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you think we’ll still get to grow old together?” Bucky whispers, his lips moving against the soft cotton that smells of them.</p><p>Steve blinks slowly, his eyes still hazy.</p><p>(And the warmest shade of blue.)</p><p>“I’m not growing old if it’s not with you.” Steve promises with a lilting smile.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Post TWS: Bucky and Steve struggle to find their new life in the 21st century</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Renew

History, does it repeat itself?

Bucky doesn’t think so. 

(He doesn’t like to, at least.)

What has happened before can only happen once; you never get to relive the moment again, only in dreams and memories. Bucky refuses to dream, is afraid of what he remembers. He remembers everything; before the war and after.

(Every drop of blood spilled; every cry for mercy.)

He knows what he has _done_.

(He was born a sinner; his Ma always told him so.)

So, how can he avenge? How can he promise to deliver justice with all that he has done? He doesn’t know his own mind, his past coming back to him in fragmented, tortured pieces. 

“I’m no _Avenger_ , Stevie.” He tells him quietly.

(Softly, brokenly; a stuttering, shaking breath.)

But Steve smiles the kind of smile that has always made his chest ache with a warmth he never felt he deserved. He leans closer to Bucky so that he can count the freckles that smatter their way across the bridge of his nose. His smile is slow, lazy and reassuring. His teeth are perfect and Bucky slips one finger between his lips to run the pad of it along the tips of his teeth. They’re sharp. Bucky wonders if Steve would bite him. He withdraws his fingers after Steve licks at it playfully, the look in his eyes soft and warm. 

“You wanna do the right thing, don’t you?” he asks.

Bucky nods.

(He _needs_ to right his wrongs.)

“Then you’re an Avenger, Buck. That’s all there is to it.”

Simple, right? 

Everything is so simple in Steve’s eyes. 

(Bucky wonders if Steve believes his own lies.)

 

.

 

 

Has Steve changed?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

He scares Bucky.

He’s too head strong, too brave, too selfless. 

(Too irresistible.)

Bucky doesn’t want to be _that_ guy; not this time.

(Steve’s guy.)

Except that’s a lie.

Except that he does.

He wants Steve as much as he always had. He thinks he might want him even more now. 

And yet…for all that Steve is brave and selfless and true their relationship remains unchanged.

(Dark and dirty and hidden from curious, staring eyes.)

Steve never stands too close to him, never shows how he truly feels. No matter how bad things get, no matter how seriously Bucky is hurt or scared or crying out for him, Steve treats him as he treats the others.

“It can’t stay like this forever.” Bucky warns him when they are alone and they can touch each other.

Steve grins at him and pulls him closer, his hands slipping into the pockets of his jeans. He nods his head and drops a kiss to the corner of Bucky’s mouth.

“And why’s that?” Steve breathes against his lips, warm and wet and intimate.

Bucky shivers and moulds their mouths together, forgetting his words, his thoughts becoming foggy and heavy and falling somewhere into the back of his mind as Steve pushes him against the apartment door. 

But he needs to tell him; needs to let him know that they have been here before. That they have lived this secret already in a different time. Bucky want’s to tell him that it tastes _stale_.

(Want’s to remind him that they both know how this ended before.)

 

 

.

 

Agent Barnes; that’s new. 

He is used to being called _sergeant_ or _soldier_.

Bucky wishes he was still _Sergeant James Barnes_. He wishes he could go back, wishes he never got on that _damned_ train. 

Bucky wishes…

(inhale, exhale, repeat, repeat, _repeat_ )

Bucky wishes he never joined the army. He should have stayed at home. He wishes he stayed and kept Stevie safe. 

_If_ he had kept him safe, if he had done what he had always promised Sarah he would do, would they be here?

No. They would have grown old together like they had always wanted. They wouldn’t be here like this. Two shadows of their former selves. They are hollow. Steve hides it better than Bucky but there is nothing to him anymore. He is a shell that has been stuffed full of other people’s ideals and idea’s and ideologies and now he is some kind of _symbol_. He is not a man but a symbol and one that Bucky wishes he could erase. He wishes he could wind the arms of the clock backwards and go back to that rundown apartment in Brooklyn and pull the blankets over their heads until the war had ended. 

He pulls the blankets over their heads one Sunday morning, wishing the time would run back as he lays beside Steve, his blonde hair sticking out in strange angles, his smile loose with sleep.

“Do you think we’ll still get to grow old together?” Bucky whispers, his lips moving against the soft cotton that smells of them.

Steve blinks slowly, his eyes still hazy.

(And the warmest shade of blue.)

“I’m not growing old if it’s not beside you.” Steve promises.

A smile tugs at Bucky’s lips and his eyes flutter shut as he gives himself one brief moment to _dream_.

He stops though. Bucky knows better than to dream.

(Than to let it all come crawling back to him.)

 

 

.

 

 

Does Heaven exist? Or is it just Hell for all?

Bucky doesn’t know if there is anything out there bigger than himself. A long time ago he had dared to hope. He knows better than to hope now though. Hope is for children. Hope is for the lucky few who have not had their world ripped out from under them. 

(Steve hopes. Every day Steve hopes and Bucky wonders why they made Steve stronger than him.)

Still. Bucky goes to Church. 

Every Sunday he rises and goes with Steve and Sam. They make for a strange group but no one comments. Children gasp in awe as Steve marches through the aisles and sometimes, _just sometimes_ , Bucky feels a horrible pang of jealousy. 

(Because he wants to feel like that again, shiny and wanted; he’s sick of being the broken toy.)

Sometimes he tries to reach for Steve’s hand, tries to hold it but Steve brushes him away. He never looks at Bucky as he does it, just keeps his eyes trained on the priest, his face carefully neutral. Sam sees it; Bucky knows he does. He can see the way his body shifts ever so slightly every time Steve rejects him; can see the downturn of his mouth, the knitting of his brows.

The first couple of times Bucky stormed out. He marched out in the middle of the sermon and cursed the God that decided to make them feel bad about who they were. 

The next couple of times he had reined in his temper until they were alone and then they would fight and fight and fight until Bucky felt as if they were reciting the same scripts to each other since 1939. 

Now. Now, Bucky folds his arms across his chest and tries to ignore how they ache, how he longs for them to be held.

(Sometimes Natasha comes with them and Bucky holds her hand instead but it isn’t…it would never be the same.)

Sam doesn’t question it; doesn’t even mention that he sees it. He chats to them as normal, ignores the tension that always seems to build between them after Church. A wall. A great, big wall of hypocrisy and judgement builds between them and no matter how hard Bucky tries, he just _can’t_ tear it down.

(He wonders if Steve tries as hard as him. He wonders if Steven even cares.)

“You think God doesn’t know?” Bucky demands one afternoon.

The sun is high in the sky and it’s too hot for this, too hot for one _these _arguments. Sam is walking ahead of them, chatting to Nat, his arm draped around her shoulder. She’s beaming up at him, her laugh playful. It makes Bucky’s chest hurt.__

__Steve’s hands are buried deep inside his pockets, his eyes trained on his sneakers. He doesn’t look up at Bucky’s words, just keeps his head bowed._ _

__“Of course He knows. Doesn’t mean we have to rub it in His face.” Steve mutters quietly after some thought._ _

__Bucky scoffs and rolls his eyes, scuffing his shoes along the ground angrily._ _

__“If it’s a sin we’re going to Hell either way, Steve. Why don’t you just take ownership for what we’re doing and-”_ _

__Steve groans loudly and cuts across Bucky impatiently._ _

__“Do we have to have this argument _every_ damn Sunday?” He demands, coming to a sudden halt._ _

__The park is full of families and couples enjoying the summer sun. Natasha and Sam are a good bit ahead of them, stopped in front of an ice-cream van, ordering something to cool them down. Natasha is still smiling and Bucky thinks that she’s probably the most beautiful woman he knows._ _

__Steve is looking at him now, a pleading expression on his face but Bucky sets his jaw and squares his shoulders._ _

__“We’re gonna keep havin’ it until you see sense.” Bucky declares._ _

__There’s a light sheen of sweat covering Steve’s forehead and Bucky can see the sweat beginning to darken his pale blue shirt. It’s hot. Hot enough to burn the sinner out of someone and Bucky wonders if that’s His plan, wonders if all his life has been His way of trying to get rid of the bad in him. Steve pushes his damp bangs out of his face and sighs quietly._ _

__“This is getting old, Buck.” He says simply before walking away._ _

__Bucky doesn’t follow._ _

__

__

__._ _

__

__Bucky is loyal._ _

__He’s not loyal to the Avengers or SHIELD or anything like that. He is loyal to Steve and Steve alone. Steve is a true captain now. He has a team who take orders and follow them. He doesn’t like being challenged, not when he knows he’s right. He’s always been like that; ever since they were kids._ _

__(Squaring off to guys twice his size, always refusing to back down.)_ _

__But Bucky challenges him. Bucky stands before him in front of the team and fights him. It amuses the Avengers and _infuriates_ Steve, so much so that when they are finally alone, he’ll grab Bucky by his hips and shove him against the wall, biting his way into his mouth hungrily. He’ll rip Bucky’s uniform from his chest and strip him roughly, his teeth marking the delicate skin of his neck as he claims what is his to take._ _

__(Always his, never another’s.)_ _

__What Bucky loves most is when he lifts him and pins him against the wall. He loves the feeling of helplessness, the sensation of Steve holding him there as their mouths battle against one another ferociously. Steve will fuck up into him relentlessly, causing Bucky to tip his head backwards and groan aloud as Steve sucks on his Adam’s apple._ _

__It’s hot and messy and filthy and when they are done, once they have caved to the floor in an exhausted heap, Steve will throw an arm around him and kiss the marks on his neck gently, pulling him closer until they are wrapped around one another in a delicious cocoon, their breathing deep and even._ _

__“I love you, Bucky.” He’ll whisper, his breath hot against his ear._ _

__And Bucky will hum and wriggle closer, a contented smile on his face._ _

__“I love you too, Stevie.” He’ll promise and they’ll doze like that until one of them finds the energy to drag the other one to the shower._ _

__Except._ _

__Except this time, it’s different._ _

__This time, when Bucky challenges Steve in front of everyone, Steve doesn’t wait until they are alone. Instead, he squares up to him, a hard look in his eye and stares Bucky down._ _

__“Stand _down_ , Agent.” He snaps and Bucky feels his blood run cold._ _

__Because this has happened before, in trenches far away from here, in front of a different group of heroes but heroes nonetheless. And Bucky has learned his lesson from the last time and so, he stands down and he falls back into line beside Stark, who has a bemused smirk on his face._ _

__“Was wondering how long it would take for him to finally find his balls.” He mutters from the corner of his mouth with both Natasha and Clint nodding beside him._ _

__

__._ _

__

__

__“Are we heroes?” Bucky asks as he traces patterns along Steve’s smooth back._ _

__Steve doesn’t open his eyes, his face resting in his arms as he stretches out beside him. Outside there is the gentle sound of rain pattering against the glass. It is early morning and they are no rush to go anywhere. Bucky’s finger trails along the curve of Steve’s spine and he smiles to himself as he watches him shiver._ _

__“I don’t wanna be a hero.” Steve mutters against his arm. “Do you?”_ _

__(Never. Heroes are men that are gifted to the broken; a token given to the people in times of darkness.)_ _

__Bucky hums as his hand cups the round swell of Steve’s behind._ _

__“No.” He decides quietly. “But sometimes we don’t get to be what we want.”_ _

__Steve is a hero. Steve is the hero of heroes. They have made films and books and comics and toys and ice-creams after him. The people _adore_ Captain America. Bucky wonders if they’d like Steve Rogers as much._ _

__“What would you be if you got the chance?” Steve asks, cracking one eye open and watching Bucky curiously._ _

__Bucky flushes a little under his gaze but he doesn’t break eye-contact and keeps his voice steady as he speaks._ _

__“Your husband.”_ _

__Steve doesn’t tense beneath him but Bucky doesn’t miss the way his eye widens. He shifts a little away from Bucky’s hand and rolls into his side, his brows knitting together gently as he takes Bucky in, licking at his lips carefully._ _

__(And Bucky wonders if he remembers a moment not unlike this one, in a small, rundown hotel in Paris.)_ _

__“This your way of getting ready to pick another fight with me?” he asks, only half teasing._ _

__Bucky swallows and shakes his head._ _

__“You asked me what I wanted.” He whispers._ _

__Steve watches him before humming and extending his hand, threading his fingers through Bucky’s.  
“You ever gonna forgive me for not being ready?” Steve wonders. “’Cause someday I will, someday soon, Buck.”_ _

__(He’s lying.)_ _

__Bucky nods._ _

__“Of course.”_ _

__(He’s lying.)_ _

__

__

__._ _

__

__

__Is God to blame?_ _

__Is it fair to blame Him? Man only ever interprets his word. Perhaps, in this case, it _would_ be wiser to shoot the messenger. So, is Bucky to blame the man of God? To blame the brothers and sisters of the Lord who managed to convince Steve all those years ago that what they want is wrong?_ _

__(Bucky blames his mother and the fear of God she filled them with.)_ _

__The God Bucky sees today is not the God they saw back then. Their God was fearful and angry. This new God is full of wonder and joy and love and Bucky wonders how Steve cannot see that._ _

__(Bucky considers buying Steve a children’s book called _Live, Learn, Laugh in the Love of God_.)_ _

__But he knows it would be no good. The terror and fear that has been instilled in them cannot be unbroken. Unless, of course, you are like Bucky and have never felt that fear. Or have felt it and decided to risk it all, regardless._ _

__Because Bucky would risk anything for Steve._ _

__(He came back for him. He killed the Winter Soldier for him)_ _

__“Are we ever going to do it?” Bucky wonders one day, his fingers tangled in Steve’s hair, their bare skin hot and damp against one another._ _

__Steve’s lips still on his neck and he drags his mouth away slowly, his blue eyes searching blue as they lock gazes._ _

__“Do what?” he breathes into his mouth, the taste sweet and familiar._ _

__(He’s a good liar; good at pretending.)_ _

__Bucky catches him in a wet, open-mouthed kiss and shakes his head as Steve pulls away, blinking at him slowly._ _

__“Nothin’. Forget about it.”_ _

__

__

__._ _

__

__

__Does history repeat itself?_ _

__Bucky feels like he’s been living his life in circles._ _

__“I feel like I’ve been here before.” Bucky exhales in the dark, his shoulder aching from the cold and the confined space._ _

__“Remind you of the trenches?” Sam whispers beside him, his gun shouldered and ready._ _

__Bucky nods as he rolls his shoulders, trying to work the stiffness from them. It’s cold out; cold enough for Bucky to see his own breath, for his teeth to chatter and his chin to shake._ _

__(For his mind to be catapulted back to a time where the Cold was all he knew and feared.)_ _

__“ _Nat and I are at the other side of the warehouse, do you all copy?_ Steve declares into his comm, his voice filling his head and soothing away the terrors that threaten to consume him._ _

__“We read.” Sam replies. “Thor and Stark are on standby, should we reach out?”_ _

__They wait for a moment, waiting for Steve’s orders._ _

__“ _No. We can do this in our sleep.__ _

__His reply relaxes Bucky and he can just make out Sam’s grin, his teeth glinting in the darkness. It’s a standard in-and-out job; the kind they’ve been doing for months on end. Bucky rolls into position and waits, his gun trained on the door they expect the rogue agents to come through._ _

__It’s standard, it’s procedure; they’ve done this a hundred times before and then…_ _

__Then… (inhale, exhale, repeat, repeat, _repeat_ )__

___And then Steve gets shot. He gets shot again and again and again and Bucky watches in horror as he watches him collapse to the ground, ungraceful and broken in his stilted, jittery movements._ _ _

___“ _Steve!_ ”_ _ _

___The scream is out of his mouth before he realizes it and suddenly, he forgets all protocol and throws himself across the warehouse floor, firing blindly at the men who are trying to fire at him and Natasha’s voice is in his ear telling him _stand down, soldier_ but Bucky rips the damn thing from his ear and flings it over his shoulder as he skids to a halt by Steve’s side._ _ _

___And this is stupid, this so stupid. They’ve done this before, they’ve been here before and Bucky feels like he’s reciting some kind of script as he grasps Steve’s cold hand and pleads, begs for his life._ _ _

___“No, come on, Stevie, not today. Please, please, wake up. Sit up. Talk to me, you dumb jerk.”_ _ _

___The tears obscure Bucky’s vision and he can almost remember being back in their dingy apartment, kneeling beside Steve’s bed and bargaining with God, promising to serve him faithfully so long as he took the rattle from Steve’s chest. It’s chaos around him with SHIELD agents crawling about the place. Natasha is at his shoulder, tugging at him, asking him to _step back, Agent Barnes, let emergency services through_. _ _ _

___“I love you, Steve, don’t leave me now. I’m not ready; I just got back. C’mon, pal. C’mon.”_ _ _

___( _Give us one more chance, please. Don’t take him from me today. Give me one more chance, Lord, I promise to do right by him and by you. Just give me one more chance. Please. Please. Please._ )_ _ _

___ _

___ _

___._ _ _

___ _

___ _

___Is this what the end of the world feels like?_ _ _

___It’s strangely calm. Bucky feels nothing as Natasha strips and bathes him, washing Steve’s blood from his hands, humming Russian lullabies as she rinses his hair. His mind his blank and soothed, his body soft and pliable. She pulls him to bed and gets in beside him, stroking his hair and running her fingertips across his cheeks._ _ _

___They’re not allowed see him; not allowed into the SHIELD medical ward until they’ve finished operating. He's not family; not next-of-kin. Hill promised to call as soon as there is news. Bucky’s phone remains clenched in his metal fist._ _ _

___“He’s going to be okay.” Natasha decides._ _ _

___“You can’t promise that.” Bucky whispers._ _ _

___“We both know him; he’s a fighter.”_ _ _

___(Scrappy, never-give-up-kind of guy; the only kind of guy Bucky has ever loved.)_ _ _

___“I love him, y’know.” Bucky exhales against his pillow, his swollen, throbbing eyelids falling shut. “He’s the only person I’ve ever loved.”_ _ _

___“I know.” Natasha hums. “I know he is.”_ _ _

___ _

___ _

___._ _ _

___ _

___ _

___There are miracles and then, there are _miracles_._ _ _

___“Twelve motherfucking bullets and not one of them hit a vital organ? Steve Rogers, you are blessed.” Sam declares, a stupid, goofy grin spread across his cheeks._ _ _

___Steve chuckles weakly and Bucky’s fists are clenched by his side because all he wants to do is _touch_ but they’re surrounded by the Avengers and Bucky knows better._ _ _

___(He wishes he didn’t; wishes he could challenge Steve on this one last time.)_ _ _

___Tony lets out a low whistle as he reads Steve’s medical chart at the end of his bed and shakes his head in disbelief._ _ _

___“I mean, even _with_ the serum you should be dead. Like, you should literally be dead right now.” He exclaims with a laugh._ _ _

___“Sorry to disappoint.” Steve jokes with a wince as he tries to sit up in the bed._ _ _

___His eyes keep falling on Bucky’s and Bucky has to suck in his bottom lip to stop himself from saying something stupid; something they’ll both regret._ _ _

___“You are most quiet, Agent Barnes. Are you alright?” Thor asks as he helps himself to the fruit basket SHIELD had sent Steve._ _ _

___Bucky ducks his head and hides behind the curtain of his hair, shrugging and folding his arms across his chest. He misses the knowing looks that each of the Avengers give each other but Steve doesn’t. Steve clears his throat and offers his friends a small smile._ _ _

___“Do you guys mind if…can we…” he mutters, his voice trailing away as each of the Avengers trail out, bemused smirks on each of their faces._ _ _

___(Except for Thor, of course, he simply looks confused.)_ _ _

___Bucky waits until the door has shut before leaping forward and burying his face in the crook of Steve’s neck, inhaling deeply as he did so, forcing himself to memorize his scent, how his skin feels against his own. Steve entangles one hand in his hair and pulls him against him closer, turning his head to press sweet, delicate kisses to Bucky’s scalp._ _ _

___“I’m sorry, Buck. Never again, I promise; I swear. I’m never gonna do something dumb again.” He gushes, his voice getting thick with tears._ _ _

___Bucky shakes his head and lets out a breathless laugh._ _ _

___“Quit making promises you can’t keep, Rogers. You always were a bad liar.”_ _ _

___“Not anymore.” Steve swears, his tears rolling into Bucky’s hair. “I’m not gonna lie anymore.”_ _ _

___ _

___ _

___._ _ _

___ _

___ _

___When they sit in Church a few Sundays later, Steve reaches across and clasps Bucky’s hand in his own._ _ _

___ _

___ _

___._ _ _

___ _

___ _

___Have they changed?_ _ _

___No, not really._ _ _

___They’re still _Bucky and Steve_ ; they’re always gonna be that. _ _ _

___And, turns out, no one is surprised about that either._ _ _

___(“Aw, Capsicle, you guys were never really _subtle_ though, were you?”)_ _ _

___But that’s okay._ _ _

___Bucky’s just relieved that they don’t have to hide anymore._ _ _

___And, he supposes, he can thank God for that._ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> I just couldnt get this out of my head.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought!


End file.
